And if that's love;

It comes at much too high a cost.

I forgot why I tattooed Defying Gravity on my foot. Last night I was reminded.

And I'm going to Defy Gravity. I feel like I'm on fire.

I want to take on the world.

I can take on the world.

And nothing makes me happier.

It seems like so much went wrong this week but I can't stop being happy and I love it. :)

"It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...and Leap!"

Dreams, Dreams

"It seems, it seems that I can't shake these memories.

I wonder if you have the same dreams too."

For once, I am calm. I am me. And I don't give a damn about the future. Just right now, this second. I like that. :)

I think God granted me patience like overnight last weekend. Which makes me happy.

Everything happens for a reason.

♥

I hate the phone but I wish you'd call

"I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could, can't get my mind off of you."

Dear you,

I didn't sing or dance for two months. Until 2 weeks ago.

Now I can't stop singing. Even in my dreams I sing.

I hope you're singing too.

There are so many things I want to say to you.

I wish I could just say it.

Give me a sign.

Love always,

Jeni

"The best part of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall."

Where do I begin, my love?

Starting the things I haven't said enough of.

Well, it's been forever since I've blogged. The first month of summer has been...hard. I mean, I loved it. I've gotten to see my mom and just chill for the first time in ages. I also had some visits from some great people. I just feel like this has been a real eye opener for me.

Things I realized about myself:

1. I hate being alone.

2. I hate feeling lazy.

3. I love dancing in my bathroom wearing next to nothing.

4. I miss performing.

5. I've fallen in love with music again.

6. Did I mention I hate being alone?

I feel like I've kind of lost a sense of myself. I just need to reconnect with myself, my friends, my family, my boyfriend. I think when I'm all by myself, I tend to become semi-morose. Haha. But I'm not sad, far from it. I'm so happy, just nostolgic. I really appreciate my life and everyone in it. I feel like I don't tell people how much I appreciate them enough. And I should. Or how much I miss them when they aren't here. Which I do, a whole lot.

I've also realize that I hate telling people what I don't like that they do or how it makes me feel. I don't know why but I can never bring myself to just straight up tell someone when they do something that bothers me. I can honestly say that I think if I tell them they bother me, they're gonna just yell in my face. Haha. Stupid, I know but it's true. Or that they're just gonna not like me anymore. Bah. That also scares me. People just up and leaving. Sounds weird coming from the girl who travel across the country away from everyone she knew. But it really does scare me.

I also have started to finally forgive the two people that have been the bane of my existance for the past 5+ years. It's just not worth it. Yeah, they both hurt me in ways that they will never really know but I'm kind of really done with it. And I'm glad. :)

I got bit by the creative fairy tonight. Hence the fact that it's 3:30 and I'm still awake and buzzing. I'm going to finally finish my Disneyland scrapbook this week. I ordered the rest of the pictures and planned out the last pages. I'm so happy to finally have a finished product but I'm sad because I've been working on it for years. It just holds such great memories!

But my BEST friend in the entire world, my other half, my soulmate will be here in 3 days. I can't even wait. I've missed her so much. I know that we've needed to have a one-on-one conversation for like 6 months! And I can't wait. We both need it, badly. A conversation that will go on for hours, the kind that start at 4 in the afternoon and don't end until you finally drift of mid-word at 5 in the morning.

But I love my life, my friends, my boyfriend, my family, my future, everything. It's all going to turn out great.

I miss ya'll in my little WMU blogging circle. :)

"I don't want to live. I want to love first and live incidentally."

I'm feeling it coming over me;

With you it all comes naturally,
Lost the reflex to resist,
& I could get used to this.

I feel like everything has fallen into place. I know that here at Western is exactly where I need to be. I'm gonna finish school and change the world. I will keep all the friends that are important to me. I won't forget those who have changed my life. There are so many and I really hope they know just how much they've meant to me. I will strive to be like my mom, who has done more than I can ever imagine doing. She's a super hero.
There's just so much to look forward to. So many options. And I love it.

You make me happier than you know. When you're not looking, I catch myself crying from sheer happiness. You've changed the way I look at so many things. Thank you. I can't wait for whatever happens. I have a good feeling.
And P.S. I love you.

"I'm not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today."

-William Allen White

__________________________________________________________

Tonight, tonight

The world is full of light,

With suns and moons all over the place

Tonight, tonight,

The world is wild and bright,

Going mad,

Shooting sparks into space.

Today, the world was just an address,

A place for me to live in,

No better than all right.

But here you are,

And what was a world is a star,

Tonight.

Soon they'll bark and hound you;

Until everything you say is just another bad about you.

Clutter

a confused multitude of things; fill a space in a disorderly way, unwanted echoes that interfere with the observation of signals on a radar screen

I guess I should apologize for my outburst of bloggism. I don't like being negative, I really don't. But my brain is cluttered. Yes, cluttered. I had too many thoughts to keep inside my brain so I had to get them out. I figured a blog that only a few people read would be the best option because I did not wanna have a yelling freak out on someone. That's just not pretty.

But I am ok and I'm not mad or anything. I just had things on my mind that started to really bug me. Some of it was from like months ago. Haha. :) So please excuse my cluttered, scribbley mind and ignore the last blog.

"If you wish to know the mind of a man, listen to his words."

-Chinese Proverb

To those who ground me;

Take a message back from me,
Tell them how I am defying gravity.

Social Injustice:

Social Injustice is a concept relating to the claimed unfairness or injustice of a society in its divisions of rewards and burdens and other incidental inequalities

I've had some issues with some of the things I have been a bystander to, especially when it come to religious issues.

What do I believe in?

I believe people are people.

I believe you can't help who you love.

I believe everyone is created equal.

I believe you should be judged by your character,

not what you look like,

where you come from,

what sex you are

or who you happen to fall in love with.

The truth is you can't help who you love. How many times have you been desperately in love and wanted even more desperately not to be? I know I have. We all have. So why is it not ok to love someone of the same sex?

I've always felt like this but I have never stood up for it. I became a bystander, just watched people be mistreated and not said a single word. I realize that's what I do a lot of the time. The thing is people won't just listen. They have to want to listen and want to be open-minded. So I never said a single word. Now, it's hit home, closer to home then I could ever have imagined. I was at a loss for words. I wanted to prove my point with eloquent words. But nothing came out. I just cried. I wish I knew the right words to say.

It's not fair to watch people treating people that way. I can't help but think that 40 years from now we're gonna look back and say, "How could we ever have done thing?" We've stopped people from getting married, took away health benefits and denied housing. I don't see how I could be the only one that thinks this is not ok.

Would God have people fall in love, only to send them to hell because they love another human being? It even says in the Bible that LOVE was the greatest of all things. Now, why is it not ok to love someone? Do people really think that a person wakes up one morning and DECIDES they don't want to fit in, be in the "norm?"

Someone said something that struck me really hard. It made me just burst into tears and scream, "It's not fair!" They said, "It's not a fucking choice. I didn't choose to have a lifestyle where I'm excluded from society, I can't get married, can't have kids, didn't choose this." Why is it ok to put down someone when all they want is acceptance? And not just an "I understand but you shouldn't be this way," full 100% acceptance. Not hate the sin, love the sinner. Everyone is a stinking sinner, you can't just change who someone is because you think it's a sin!

I've made a decision. I will not sit back and watch social injustice. I will not let it happen before my eyes. I will not go along with what every says and keep my thoughts to myself. That's just as bad as being the condemner. If that means that I can't be a church camp counselor, which is what I want to be more than anything, so be it. I won't be quiet. I won't pretend to think that you could go to hell for loving someone.

"Let him among you who is without sin, cast the first stone." John 8:7

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. ~Buddha"

Say a prayer and let the good times roll;

I know I'm not the only one to blog about this. It seems to be all the rage right now.

Happiness:

state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy

Now doesn't that sound about right? Especially considering that I can't sleep, can't eat, I really can't read now, words don't make sense, I can't form proper sentences, I can't focus, I can't stop smiling, I can't even stand. In other words, I can't function. And I'm not the only one. My brain doesn't shut up at night and the butterflies whisper to me all night and day. That's cheesy, I know. But it's true. And along with being happy I'm completely terrified.

It's really so soon after everything. And I feel like I should care...but I don't. I don't care one bit. I was scared of what people will think. People back home, mostly. Like think that I'm fickle. But then I talked to Randee. Dear Randee who knows exactly what to say. She told me not to care what anyone thinks. She reminded me that the unknown is most of the adventure. Then she said the most perfect thing she could possibly ever say...

"I really feel that this is a very good thing. Like my gut feels good. Honest. To be completely honest, with billy my gut was always a little unsettled. Not because he's a bad guy or anything like that, I promise! Just something didn't quite fit. Whatever is happening now is good. Whether it turns out to be a big deal or not, i believe this is a good thing for you to do. He's fun, he's sweet, he notices. Whether he's here to give you the attention you need and show you where your standard needs to be or whether he's there for a greater purpose, he's there for a good reason."

Well folks, I do believe my best friend is a genius. I'm ready to be myself. I'm not changing for a guy again. This is me. I'm gonna jump off the ledge and fly head first into whatever this is. Just go for it.

Don't know much about your life.

Don't know much about your world,

but Don't want to be alone tonight,

On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past,

andI don't have a future figured out.

And maybe this is going too fast.

And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold,

or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

So I'm taking that chance. I'll Defy Gravity. :)

"Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I used to be love drunk; but now I'm hungover.

I'll love you forever

But now it's over!

And it is over. Over for good. And I'm perfectly ok with that. I know a lot of people are really surprised that I'm ok because 1. I really love Billy and really wanted to marry him and 2. I'm a huge drama queen. But I'm actually doing pretty good. It just wouldn't have worked. Too much was said and done. I'm so content. I know he's really sad about it but we ended on good terms and we still talk about our days to each other. I do feel guilty for not being sad though. I think I cried enough over him the past 5 years that I just can't cry anymore. I really feel bad for being happy. But I AM! I mean, I love him. There's no doubt about that, I'll always love him, but never in the way that I used to. Now I love him like you love memories or a song. That sounds weird but it's true. I learned a whole heck of a lot from everything that happened this year.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Every little thing. You learn from everything. God caused this for some reason. Already I see a lot of positive that is going to come out of this. I'm staying at Western. I get to be roommates with Emily again. I'm going to try to study in Italy. I get to do TCH next year. And so many other things. Maybe this is growning up, realizing that shit happens and it's not the end of the world. Whatever it is, it makes me feel so mature.

On another note, I had one of THE best weekends ever. I have some pretty amazing friends. Ones that don't value sleep, which makes life more interesting. :D

"We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves."

-May Lamberton Becker

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Life inside this music box ain't easy.

So, most of you know but I feel like I should blog about it.

I'm not engaged.

It hurts more than you know to read those words and realize that after a five month engagement, I am a single girl. Not completely unattached. We're going start completely over in a few weeks but for now, we are nothing. There is no we.

I've been very unemotional about it. I mean, I haven't cried very much. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel like it's not fair. Not fair. I gave up everything. Everything and it wasn't good enough. He told me...Jeni, I'm not ready to get married. Let's get married in a year and a half to two years. And within the course of 24 hours it became, let's get married in 3 years. Then it became we aren't engaged, let's start over. Until I said...You start it over. We're not together. You can court me and ask me out but we won't be the same.

The comical part...I demanded a Tiffany ring if he was planning on proposing ever again. I want my little blue box.

I'm a bitch.

I mean, I'll be graduated by the time he will be ready to get married.

I just never thought that he would ever take it back.

It's pretty empty here.

By here I mean me.

But I don't want sympathy. I don't. I'm going to live for me. I have school. I have friends. He can fight for me for once. In a way, I'm happy.

But only in a way.

So, with all that said...I'm staying at Western. I'm going to do everything in my power to make the money to stay right here. And I will graduate in 2 and a half to 3 years. And I will be happy.

"Life inside this music box ain't easy, I want to sing another melody, so different from the one they're singing."

Now, I will be Defying Gravity again. :)

"Believe your life is worth living and belief will help create fact."-William James

I'm just too far, from where you are, I wanna come home.

Home:

relating to or being where one lives or where one's roots are

Ok. Lately I've had a huge problem with this word. Home. Where is my home? When I was in Michigan last semester I would refer to Carlsbad, New Mexico as home. But now that I'm here, I call Kalamazoo home. So I'm faced with this dilemma.

In the words of Pumba from Lion King, "Home is where the rump rests." So I guess at this moment my home is right here, in this computer chair, in Carlsbad, New Mexico. But I don't think this is really home anymore. I love my family and my friends and I've realized that more and more the past couple months. I hate missing them and I love being here with them. But this isn't home. Shoot! The other day I had to search the whole house, top to bottom, to find my Scene It! Disney so that we could play it. It was in a totally different place then where I left it. I couldn't even find a sleeping bag to take with me to our mountain trip this weekend. I had to borrow one of Randee's. So, I don't think this is my home. My room is not my room. The walls are white and the bedding plain. Not covering in pictures and papers and not Tinkerbell. It's not mine. My room simply serves as a place for me to sleep and a place for all our Christmas stuff so the cats didn't break anything. And in a few months, my mom is selling this house and downsizing. It's too big, too hard to keep up with, and too expensive.

I guess I've come to the conclusion that Kalamazoo, Michigan is my home. Billy's there and he has my heart completely and totally. And "Home is where the heart is." I think I've finally moved on from Carlsbad. I've always been "over" Carlsbad and was itching to get out by the end of Sophomore summer but I never really came to terms with the fact that it's not home. My home is Kalamazoo, Michigan with the crazy Dunn Dinners. This doesn't mean that I've replaced anyone from Carlsbad, because that would be just cruel. It just means that this is the next stage in life, I guess. And I'm happy.

"Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest, conjuration."-Charles Dickens