Say a prayer and let the good times roll;

I know I'm not the only one to blog about this. It seems to be all the rage right now.

Happiness:

state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy

Now doesn't that sound about right? Especially considering that I can't sleep, can't eat, I really can't read now, words don't make sense, I can't form proper sentences, I can't focus, I can't stop smiling, I can't even stand. In other words, I can't function. And I'm not the only one. My brain doesn't shut up at night and the butterflies whisper to me all night and day. That's cheesy, I know. But it's true. And along with being happy I'm completely terrified.

It's really so soon after everything. And I feel like I should care...but I don't. I don't care one bit. I was scared of what people will think. People back home, mostly. Like think that I'm fickle. But then I talked to Randee. Dear Randee who knows exactly what to say. She told me not to care what anyone thinks. She reminded me that the unknown is most of the adventure. Then she said the most perfect thing she could possibly ever say...

"I really feel that this is a very good thing. Like my gut feels good. Honest. To be completely honest, with billy my gut was always a little unsettled. Not because he's a bad guy or anything like that, I promise! Just something didn't quite fit. Whatever is happening now is good. Whether it turns out to be a big deal or not, i believe this is a good thing for you to do. He's fun, he's sweet, he notices. Whether he's here to give you the attention you need and show you where your standard needs to be or whether he's there for a greater purpose, he's there for a good reason."

Well folks, I do believe my best friend is a genius. I'm ready to be myself. I'm not changing for a guy again. This is me. I'm gonna jump off the ledge and fly head first into whatever this is. Just go for it.

Don't know much about your life.

Don't know much about your world,

but Don't want to be alone tonight,

On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past,

andI don't have a future figured out.

And maybe this is going too fast.

And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold,

or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

So I'm taking that chance. I'll Defy Gravity. :)

"Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I used to be love drunk; but now I'm hungover.

I'll love you forever

But now it's over!

And it is over. Over for good. And I'm perfectly ok with that. I know a lot of people are really surprised that I'm ok because 1. I really love Billy and really wanted to marry him and 2. I'm a huge drama queen. But I'm actually doing pretty good. It just wouldn't have worked. Too much was said and done. I'm so content. I know he's really sad about it but we ended on good terms and we still talk about our days to each other. I do feel guilty for not being sad though. I think I cried enough over him the past 5 years that I just can't cry anymore. I really feel bad for being happy. But I AM! I mean, I love him. There's no doubt about that, I'll always love him, but never in the way that I used to. Now I love him like you love memories or a song. That sounds weird but it's true. I learned a whole heck of a lot from everything that happened this year.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Every little thing. You learn from everything. God caused this for some reason. Already I see a lot of positive that is going to come out of this. I'm staying at Western. I get to be roommates with Emily again. I'm going to try to study in Italy. I get to do TCH next year. And so many other things. Maybe this is growning up, realizing that shit happens and it's not the end of the world. Whatever it is, it makes me feel so mature.

On another note, I had one of THE best weekends ever. I have some pretty amazing friends. Ones that don't value sleep, which makes life more interesting. :D

"We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves."

-May Lamberton Becker

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Life inside this music box ain't easy.

So, most of you know but I feel like I should blog about it.

I'm not engaged.

It hurts more than you know to read those words and realize that after a five month engagement, I am a single girl. Not completely unattached. We're going start completely over in a few weeks but for now, we are nothing. There is no we.

I've been very unemotional about it. I mean, I haven't cried very much. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel like it's not fair. Not fair. I gave up everything. Everything and it wasn't good enough. He told me...Jeni, I'm not ready to get married. Let's get married in a year and a half to two years. And within the course of 24 hours it became, let's get married in 3 years. Then it became we aren't engaged, let's start over. Until I said...You start it over. We're not together. You can court me and ask me out but we won't be the same.

The comical part...I demanded a Tiffany ring if he was planning on proposing ever again. I want my little blue box.

I'm a bitch.

I mean, I'll be graduated by the time he will be ready to get married.

I just never thought that he would ever take it back.

It's pretty empty here.

By here I mean me.

But I don't want sympathy. I don't. I'm going to live for me. I have school. I have friends. He can fight for me for once. In a way, I'm happy.

But only in a way.

So, with all that said...I'm staying at Western. I'm going to do everything in my power to make the money to stay right here. And I will graduate in 2 and a half to 3 years. And I will be happy.

"Life inside this music box ain't easy, I want to sing another melody, so different from the one they're singing."

Now, I will be Defying Gravity again. :)

"Believe your life is worth living and belief will help create fact."-William James

I'm just too far, from where you are, I wanna come home.

Home:

relating to or being where one lives or where one's roots are

Ok. Lately I've had a huge problem with this word. Home. Where is my home? When I was in Michigan last semester I would refer to Carlsbad, New Mexico as home. But now that I'm here, I call Kalamazoo home. So I'm faced with this dilemma.

In the words of Pumba from Lion King, "Home is where the rump rests." So I guess at this moment my home is right here, in this computer chair, in Carlsbad, New Mexico. But I don't think this is really home anymore. I love my family and my friends and I've realized that more and more the past couple months. I hate missing them and I love being here with them. But this isn't home. Shoot! The other day I had to search the whole house, top to bottom, to find my Scene It! Disney so that we could play it. It was in a totally different place then where I left it. I couldn't even find a sleeping bag to take with me to our mountain trip this weekend. I had to borrow one of Randee's. So, I don't think this is my home. My room is not my room. The walls are white and the bedding plain. Not covering in pictures and papers and not Tinkerbell. It's not mine. My room simply serves as a place for me to sleep and a place for all our Christmas stuff so the cats didn't break anything. And in a few months, my mom is selling this house and downsizing. It's too big, too hard to keep up with, and too expensive.

I guess I've come to the conclusion that Kalamazoo, Michigan is my home. Billy's there and he has my heart completely and totally. And "Home is where the heart is." I think I've finally moved on from Carlsbad. I've always been "over" Carlsbad and was itching to get out by the end of Sophomore summer but I never really came to terms with the fact that it's not home. My home is Kalamazoo, Michigan with the crazy Dunn Dinners. This doesn't mean that I've replaced anyone from Carlsbad, because that would be just cruel. It just means that this is the next stage in life, I guess. And I'm happy.

"Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest, conjuration."-Charles Dickens