And if that's love;

It comes at much too high a cost.

I forgot why I tattooed Defying Gravity on my foot. Last night I was reminded.

And I'm going to Defy Gravity. I feel like I'm on fire.

I want to take on the world.

I can take on the world.

And nothing makes me happier.

It seems like so much went wrong this week but I can't stop being happy and I love it. :)

"It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...and Leap!"

Dreams, Dreams

"It seems, it seems that I can't shake these memories.

I wonder if you have the same dreams too."

For once, I am calm. I am me. And I don't give a damn about the future. Just right now, this second. I like that. :)

I think God granted me patience like overnight last weekend. Which makes me happy.

Everything happens for a reason.

♥

I hate the phone but I wish you'd call

"I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could, can't get my mind off of you."

Dear you,

I didn't sing or dance for two months. Until 2 weeks ago.

Now I can't stop singing. Even in my dreams I sing.

I hope you're singing too.

There are so many things I want to say to you.

I wish I could just say it.

Give me a sign.

Love always,

Jeni

"The best part of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall."

Where do I begin, my love?

Starting the things I haven't said enough of.

Well, it's been forever since I've blogged. The first month of summer has been...hard. I mean, I loved it. I've gotten to see my mom and just chill for the first time in ages. I also had some visits from some great people. I just feel like this has been a real eye opener for me.

Things I realized about myself:

1. I hate being alone.

2. I hate feeling lazy.

3. I love dancing in my bathroom wearing next to nothing.

4. I miss performing.

5. I've fallen in love with music again.

6. Did I mention I hate being alone?

I feel like I've kind of lost a sense of myself. I just need to reconnect with myself, my friends, my family, my boyfriend. I think when I'm all by myself, I tend to become semi-morose. Haha. But I'm not sad, far from it. I'm so happy, just nostolgic. I really appreciate my life and everyone in it. I feel like I don't tell people how much I appreciate them enough. And I should. Or how much I miss them when they aren't here. Which I do, a whole lot.

I've also realize that I hate telling people what I don't like that they do or how it makes me feel. I don't know why but I can never bring myself to just straight up tell someone when they do something that bothers me. I can honestly say that I think if I tell them they bother me, they're gonna just yell in my face. Haha. Stupid, I know but it's true. Or that they're just gonna not like me anymore. Bah. That also scares me. People just up and leaving. Sounds weird coming from the girl who travel across the country away from everyone she knew. But it really does scare me.

I also have started to finally forgive the two people that have been the bane of my existance for the past 5+ years. It's just not worth it. Yeah, they both hurt me in ways that they will never really know but I'm kind of really done with it. And I'm glad. :)

I got bit by the creative fairy tonight. Hence the fact that it's 3:30 and I'm still awake and buzzing. I'm going to finally finish my Disneyland scrapbook this week. I ordered the rest of the pictures and planned out the last pages. I'm so happy to finally have a finished product but I'm sad because I've been working on it for years. It just holds such great memories!

But my BEST friend in the entire world, my other half, my soulmate will be here in 3 days. I can't even wait. I've missed her so much. I know that we've needed to have a one-on-one conversation for like 6 months! And I can't wait. We both need it, badly. A conversation that will go on for hours, the kind that start at 4 in the afternoon and don't end until you finally drift of mid-word at 5 in the morning.

But I love my life, my friends, my boyfriend, my family, my future, everything. It's all going to turn out great.

I miss ya'll in my little WMU blogging circle. :)

"I don't want to live. I want to love first and live incidentally."

I'm feeling it coming over me;

With you it all comes naturally,
Lost the reflex to resist,
& I could get used to this.

I feel like everything has fallen into place. I know that here at Western is exactly where I need to be. I'm gonna finish school and change the world. I will keep all the friends that are important to me. I won't forget those who have changed my life. There are so many and I really hope they know just how much they've meant to me. I will strive to be like my mom, who has done more than I can ever imagine doing. She's a super hero.
There's just so much to look forward to. So many options. And I love it.

You make me happier than you know. When you're not looking, I catch myself crying from sheer happiness. You've changed the way I look at so many things. Thank you. I can't wait for whatever happens. I have a good feeling.
And P.S. I love you.

"I'm not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today."

-William Allen White

__________________________________________________________

Tonight, tonight

The world is full of light,

With suns and moons all over the place

Tonight, tonight,

The world is wild and bright,

Going mad,

Shooting sparks into space.

Today, the world was just an address,

A place for me to live in,

No better than all right.

But here you are,

And what was a world is a star,

Tonight.

Soon they'll bark and hound you;

Until everything you say is just another bad about you.

Clutter

a confused multitude of things; fill a space in a disorderly way, unwanted echoes that interfere with the observation of signals on a radar screen

I guess I should apologize for my outburst of bloggism. I don't like being negative, I really don't. But my brain is cluttered. Yes, cluttered. I had too many thoughts to keep inside my brain so I had to get them out. I figured a blog that only a few people read would be the best option because I did not wanna have a yelling freak out on someone. That's just not pretty.

But I am ok and I'm not mad or anything. I just had things on my mind that started to really bug me. Some of it was from like months ago. Haha. :) So please excuse my cluttered, scribbley mind and ignore the last blog.

"If you wish to know the mind of a man, listen to his words."

-Chinese Proverb

To those who ground me;

Take a message back from me,
Tell them how I am defying gravity.

Social Injustice:

Social Injustice is a concept relating to the claimed unfairness or injustice of a society in its divisions of rewards and burdens and other incidental inequalities

I've had some issues with some of the things I have been a bystander to, especially when it come to religious issues.

What do I believe in?

I believe people are people.

I believe you can't help who you love.

I believe everyone is created equal.

I believe you should be judged by your character,

not what you look like,

where you come from,

what sex you are

or who you happen to fall in love with.

The truth is you can't help who you love. How many times have you been desperately in love and wanted even more desperately not to be? I know I have. We all have. So why is it not ok to love someone of the same sex?

I've always felt like this but I have never stood up for it. I became a bystander, just watched people be mistreated and not said a single word. I realize that's what I do a lot of the time. The thing is people won't just listen. They have to want to listen and want to be open-minded. So I never said a single word. Now, it's hit home, closer to home then I could ever have imagined. I was at a loss for words. I wanted to prove my point with eloquent words. But nothing came out. I just cried. I wish I knew the right words to say.

It's not fair to watch people treating people that way. I can't help but think that 40 years from now we're gonna look back and say, "How could we ever have done thing?" We've stopped people from getting married, took away health benefits and denied housing. I don't see how I could be the only one that thinks this is not ok.

Would God have people fall in love, only to send them to hell because they love another human being? It even says in the Bible that LOVE was the greatest of all things. Now, why is it not ok to love someone? Do people really think that a person wakes up one morning and DECIDES they don't want to fit in, be in the "norm?"

Someone said something that struck me really hard. It made me just burst into tears and scream, "It's not fair!" They said, "It's not a fucking choice. I didn't choose to have a lifestyle where I'm excluded from society, I can't get married, can't have kids, didn't choose this." Why is it ok to put down someone when all they want is acceptance? And not just an "I understand but you shouldn't be this way," full 100% acceptance. Not hate the sin, love the sinner. Everyone is a stinking sinner, you can't just change who someone is because you think it's a sin!

I've made a decision. I will not sit back and watch social injustice. I will not let it happen before my eyes. I will not go along with what every says and keep my thoughts to myself. That's just as bad as being the condemner. If that means that I can't be a church camp counselor, which is what I want to be more than anything, so be it. I won't be quiet. I won't pretend to think that you could go to hell for loving someone.

"Let him among you who is without sin, cast the first stone." John 8:7

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. ~Buddha"